POST 20: Holy crap, I lost a year!

I feel like in the past I’ve used this blog as a place to discuss my feelings and in essence complain about every little problem I had in my life.
To be honest this was probably okay for the types of things that were going at the time but, no more! Another trend in my blogs is that I figure that if I can write down my thoughts about the future then they must become truth. It turns out sometimes after I vented and vowed to improve upon my and set out goals I didn’t always remember or hold myself to them. There was no moment of realization that I reached that turned my life around. Instead sometimes I found myself beating my head against the wall trying to figure out the hell was going on and how I could feel so absolutely trapped about my own life.

These are my experiences and last year for some reason decided to stop writing. Perhaps it was because no one was ever reading these, or the fact that I was just speechless, regardless many relationships and situations have changed since then and I find myself at a different place in life.

POST 19: Wishing to Relax

It has once again been awhile since I've written and for that I apologize. A lot has happened since March. We finished my brother's basement and I got a job at Best Buy so life has been moving very quickly. It's been good being busy as I haven't had a lot of time to reflect on the changes taking place around me. It did occur to me though that right now I may be too busy. I feel like a social part of my life isn't where I would like to be and I am looking to fulfill that. I have gone on a few dates since I last posted but nothing promising. I am still plagued to not find a healthy relationship, perhaps because there are very few persons that share the same view points as me in respect to life and being fulfilled. I deep down value relationships above all else and yet it is the thing that I feel causes the most difficulty to my life. I often feel like many of my friendships and relationships are one sided as I'm the one doing all the work to hang out, to think of stuff to do, and on being flexible on trying new things. As I get older it seems I grow away from particular groups of friends for these reasons and consider their lack of contact and companionship forms of abandonment whether accidental or on purpose. Being through everything I have I know what it means to have a good friend to talk to in need, and it can make all the difference. Unfortunately most my friends would pour their hearts out to me in a second but at the off chance I might be feeling out of place I am felt as if I'm in convincing the people around me.

POST 18: Desperation

Nothing good comes from desperation, yet still I feel it all the time. In all honesty I'm lonely to the core and often feel lost in life and the events around me. All I really want is to find someone to connect with and love but that hasn't been what I've discovered. In the past my longing for companionship drove me to some edges that I don't care to visit again but yesterday I really turned into an ass. I went above and beyond what I thought I was capable of doing and made decisions that I completely regret on the basis in which they happened. I compromised my values for objects only of this world and it has been burning at me all day. I pray that God directs me on the right path and that I can one day be comfortable enough in my skin to be the man I was destined to become.

POST 17: The Urge To Write

I often get the urge to write, but when I actually sit down to write out my thoughts I find I've forgotten them and don't really know what I'm thinking about. As you can imagine it's quite frustrating but as of yet I have no cure.

 

On a side note I've been in a happier mood recently. I've managed to go long distance running nearly every day for more than a week so that's quite an accomplishment for me. Also I have a job. I work at Jimmy Johns which is pretty cool but today was lame as a bunch of people just didn't show up to work making my shift quite hectic. Oh well. Tis life.

POST 16: Part Of Your Life

I’ve been on the sidelines of life long enough and I’m done. This is my life and I’m set on living it. I am going to put myself out there to be a part of peoples lives again. Perhaps I’ve began to drown my self in a pool of self pity or perhaps I’m lost, in either case it’s not ideal and it would be more productive to find my way out of either case rather than do nothing.

I promise myself to follow my heart and put myself out into the open.

I promise myself to not back down when I’m scared of some part of life.

I promise myself to help my friends and family no matter the condition.

I promise to never neglect my relationships.

POST 15: My Mistake

Why is it I never get it until later, like way later. Often I check out from my conscious mind and don’t know where I go. I forget to do something or forget to do something and it snowballs into something so much bigger. A girl that I had such great chemistry with and I killed it because I forgot how to feel, I forgot what feelings looked like. What is love with no emotion? I’m sure I’ve royally messed it up. Sometimes I feel like just bitching but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I want people to talk to me about it but I don’t want to bring it up, I don’t want to pity myself when it really would have been wise to talk it out.

Why is it that I feel the best when I’m just talking with someone? Its like were talking about what really matters and my mind knows it.

I find it hard for me to say things like “I missed you”, to give hugs, to flirt, or even to show interest in anyone. Is it a lack of confidence, or am I afraid to feel?

This is starting to weigh on me, I am tired of feeling so alone and burnt out but I don’t know what to change, where to go, or who to talk to.

 

How do you tell someone you felt a coldness in their heart that wasn’t their before?

Post 14: Sunsets and the Dark

Sunsets

My favorite part of the day is laying on the couch, thinking and watching the sunset. It’s something I’ve done for many years now and less so recently. I don’t know why I’ve always been so drawn to the sun, even since a young age when I would wake up just to watch it rise in the early mornings.

Today as I lay on the couch in the orange sun beams, drinking a delicious spiced apple beer I began to think about my life. The tree branches were black as they stood against the blue sky with wispy orange and white clouds surrounding them, a picture couldn’t do it justice, nor a video. It was a moment that only I had and that I cannot rightfully share. That made me think about my past, growing up, and my family. I expect sometime in the future I will have to tell all of these things to my future girlfriends, my future wife, and my future children and friends. I feel like the more I tell it the better I will be at picking out the more important information but I don’t think I can rightfully tell my story and express how I felt at the time. Maybe one day, but not yet.

The Dark

A few nights before we were watching TV and the power went out. Instantly me and my dad turned on the fireplace and lit some candles for light and heat. For an hour or so we talked and eventually my brother and his gf joined us. It was nice, and felt natural. It made me realize that a world without electricity is not that far away. And that sometimes even the smallest technology has a drastic influence on our culture. If you don’t believe me try to live a few days without electricity. Go somewhere far away where such things are not available or not easily used. You’ll see what I mean, just realize that’s what life is really like underneath our society. We are but people, humble and simple, I think it’s important we don’t forget that.

POST 13: No Connection

Thanks to my friend Peter's advice/comments I am going to try to filter my thoughts a little bit less and give you a little bit more raw Geoff. Peter also suggested longer posts and I was a little hesitant to because I might step on some toes, but after all you are reading my thoughts so take that into consideration!! lol

Future

Anyways I'm very hopefully for the future. I'm very happy with school and think I definitely am in the right field. I have finally confirmed that I will be getting a History minor. I plan on eventually teaching and would LOVE to make documentaries. I'm working on getting back into shape and although I have been lazy the last few days I have become very serious about what I eat and how much I exercise and hope to see some healthy lifestyle changes in the future.

Nonsense

What's really been on my mind lately is (not going to lie) girls. Anyone who knows my history knows that I haven't dated a lot. And the few times I have dated weren't anything special (no offense to anyone I dated). I haven't ever felt like I've EVER found a girl who understands me and wants a relationship. I've in the past not been very comfortable with myself but that has drastically changed in the last year, especially the last two months. In order to date again I think I need to be more lighthearted and fun because those are two things I have been missing for quite some time. I'm willing to admit that but I feel like if I did find (a sane) girl in the near future that she might help me out with that. Not many people understand that I've spent a few years thinking about a lot of serious stuff and didn't have time to think about silly dating. Now I'm afraid I'm stuck serious mode and that it might take a push outside of my conscious mental capacity to get their.

I hate to admit it even though it’s the ONE thing I want to post as my status on Facebook, but I don’t due to not wanting to promote my self loathing. Know what I’m talking about? No? Well the sad little fact is I’m lonely. I try to keep busy and work on improving myself in order to keep my mind off of it, but deep down it’s my truth. The sad fact is I run on happy thoughts, fun outings, good talks, and hugs/kisses and my tank has been running on empty for a long time.

No Connection

Ah, you see that? I used the title in my sub-title. Is their a connection? If you said yes, your actually wrong. Their is no connection. Anyways to continue on this path that were on I’m pretty void these days of emotional connection. I have such a hard time relating to people, to picture getting to know them almost in any sense. I think, what’s the point? Don’t get me wrong, I do WANT to have a connection. I just don’t know whether it be because I don’t know how, I’ve forgotten, or I’m just scared. Maybe all three. I just don’t know how to get better, and although I’m all about self help and doing it myself I don’t think I can on this one. I’ve tried and I just feel like I’ve been beating my head against the wall. Me and my dad share a lot and he said just to have faith and that I’ll end up where I need to be. So now I’m stepping aside and trying to let things happen naturally, and man have I discovered how impatient I am. I once was told I was the most patient person anyone had known, but now days I am certainly not. It’s just so frustrating!!! I’m tired of getting the short end of the stick, for once it would be good if the ball rolled my way, so that’s what I’m doing.

Money?

I really don’t have much. I haven’t worked since October and recently applied at Best Buy but don’t know if I did well answering the first question. You see the interviewer took me into the break room to have my interview and the TV was on with Eagle Eye on and people talking and it was kind of overwhelming. I’m not too worried though, I don’t really care if I don’t get it. I probably should apply somewhere else soon, but I don’t know where would be good to work. If you have a suggestion that you think I might be good at let me know. I just really need a job to buy everyone Christmas gifts, I would feel like a lame son/brother if I didn’t get anyone anything. You know how it goes….

Reader Response (that’s you!!)

So what do you guys think about everything I’ve said? I would love to hear your feedback so comment below in the comments section.

 

 

 

 

P.S. Dear Peter, I hope this was long enough, by not filtering myself I filled up more space just for you.

POST 12: (CONT) THE MOJO, Operation Awesome, and Another Season in Life

The MOJO

As I stated in an earlier post because of that night I got my MOJO back. With one kiss and a phone number (of which didn’t really have much significance) I got a spark to a fire that had laid dormant for a few years now. It felt like shackles fell off and I got a part of humanity back, that I was now ready for greater relationships. Because of the surprise discovery of my MOJO (which was long thought lost) I now have the confidence to do what I’ve wanted to for awhile:

Operation Awesome

No, this isn’t an actual step by step operation, and no I didn’t actually name it that, but the name represents the idea fairly well. Anyways the point of the operation is that now that I have confidence I’m beginning to accomplish a lot of things that I had previously felt too exhausted to. With this in mind I hope to work to make myself better by accomplishing a few things:

1. Getting in shape.
2. Spending my time better.
3. Finding stuff to do with friends.
4. Hanging out with girls/going on dates.

Although a simple plan, it’s been awhile since my glory days in all of those, and I was never good at them anyways. Still, these are things I want to do because they are who I think I want to be.

Another Season in Life

As some of you might know my older brother Scott is moving out, and while it has been very hard him in the past I think this is the right move for him. He needs his personal space and I think he will be much happier. I feel like this part of my life (whatever it’s called) is past me, and while I’ll miss a lot of it I have to leave it in the past. I’ve grown from it and now I’ve got to be happy with now, the present. The world is moving round me, and I pray everyday I point my sails in the right direction.

POST 12: Trying Something New

Friday (before) Halloween

A lot of my good friends were at that very fun party Friday night at Sir Mark Jeff, Nate, and Ryan’s place and great fun was had. There was a little bit of drinking, some socializing, a lot of laughs, a few phone numbers tossed about and even one lucky Wolverine (myself) got a surprise kiss. Anyways, you wonder

Why in God’s name is Geoff telling me this story that goes nowhere?”

Which leads me to the following posts:

Recovery of  THE MOJO, Operation Awesome, and Another Season in Life.

POST 11: Growing

It seems no matter how old we get we still are always growing. Not physically (because old people are short) but mentally. It’s a weird feeling to find yourself standing next to your dad in the plain of life and find that he’s asking the same questions you are.

Our Basic Questions

What have I been through?

Why am I doing this?

And what am I doing with my life?

The last few years have been hard for me and my family and to say the least were all shell shocked. And because I’ve been through so much I find the parts of my life that were once set aside have started up.

I’m Growing

Now I’m growing, and as Juno MacGruff once said:

“I don’t know what kind of person I am”.

I know what I value but I sadly don’t know what I find purpose in. I feel like I’m lost, and don’t have a place in life right now. I’m not sure what has meaning to me and might never know because of how scared I am to find out.

POST 10: I’ve found my Mojo baby, yeahhh!

I was thinking Austin Powers 2 for that intro. Lol. Anyways I've been kind of busy lately, and my laptop died so that's my excuse for not posting in a bit. (lame excuse, I know) . Anyways I think I've found my Mojo. It's been about a year since I've dated and to be honest I haven't dated much in my entire lifetime. I'm not going to lie, I've been kind of scared to date, and it's eaten me up. This has all changed recently. No I'm not dating anyone, but at a Halloween party the other night I was talking to this girl and she was really into me, she gave me her number. Now that's pretty much the first time that has EVER happened and although she is a really nice girl I don't think it's going to work. Sad I know, but good things DEFINITELY came out of this. The events of that night sparked a feeling I haven't had in me for a long, long time. I somehow regained so much confidence in myself and feel like I used to. I was feeling so well I woke up at 7:30 this morning and went jogging, than while at school I started talking to random people. I cannot describe how happy I am at this moment and how such a little thing could make me feel so much better. To all my readers (if any) remember that sometimes even the smallest, dumbest, positive thing can make a difference.

POST 9: Believe in Me

I am genuinely interested in the people around me, if I know someone is having a bad day I go out of my way to make it a little bit better. The sad truth now is that my body is tired, my mind is worn out, and I am lost. I believe there is a God and have faith I have a part in his plan. I'm just so sick of nothingness, I've forgotten how to have fun, am terrible with connecting with people and generally don't feel like I get much out of my days anymore. A man cannot survive like this. Am I not grateful for what I have already? I cherish my family, find comfort in nature, and enjoy my friendships but something is missing. I feel as if I am supposed to be ready for something, but I've felt this way for so long it's made me feel compulsive. I know I won't miss it as long as I live in faith but a part of me is afraid I one day might. I just pray that my heart finds peace soon and that my heart is no longer hard. I want to feel again, to breathe life and give joy but for now I'm running on empty with no one giving me the fuel I need. Find it in your heart to believe in me, to pray for some sort of peace in my life. I know there is beauty out their but I no longer want to just hear about it, I want to see it with my own eyes.

POST 8: Humbly Awesome

In relation to posts 6 and 7 I think I'm awesome. Not the coolest person to walk the planet for sure but I really do like myself. I know my personality is really quiet, I have a hard time finding words, that I seem lost most of the time, I don't like flaunting myself (except for right now =P, but that's because no one is looking) and that I'm really don't have a unique quality I can see in myself that draws people towards me. That being said I don't feel like most of those are my fault. For those of you who think this post's intention is to help me rationalize some of the ways I express myself your damn right. I'm not sure why I do things, why I am the way I am, and where I'm going, but I dig it. That's what matters. One day I'll find some people who know I'm not the most eloquent witty person on the planet, that like me anyways. Until then, well I'm not changing my character, just improving what God gave me.

POST 7: I Think Too Much

It's true, you know it and so do I. I'm sorry, I really don't mean to. I think it has a lot to do with my past. My brain is in such SHOCK that it's STILL trying to figure out what the hell happened and what it all means. I know most people can't relate, and that's okay. I just ask that you understand where I'm coming from and if you really want to help out help me by making me laugh/smile when you get the chance. I could totally use someone being a little selfless in my life right now.

I'm serious though; it's been awhile since I've felt like I wasn't initiating everything in my life. It's almost unfathomable to think of doing something without me planning it.

POST 6: Love You

I like to remind myself that you can't really find love without loving yourself. It's a hard pill to swallow because it's hard to love the flaws and faults that make up you. You might not like that you're too shy, or that you talk too much, that your slightly overweight, or that you're not the most entertaining person in the world. I mean, to like oneself with qualities like that would be to accept the mediocre in all of us and leave no drive for improvement. To truly love yourself you must accept yourself as you are, to care about yourself enough to strive for improvement, and to know yourself well enough to value the parts of yourself you would rather die than loose. If you do not feel this way about yourself than there is a very likely probability you will be taken advantage of. The delicate part of you that is most intricate and beautiful can be shattered if its worth is not recognized by you and you alone, for you are truly the only the one that has the access to protect it.

POST 5: What About Now

Today I got to hang out and talk with an awesome girl Erin Larsen who I sadly hadn't seen since summer. After grabbing some food, seeing a movie, and driving downtown for some late night coffee we got to talking a bit. On the way back home me and Erin were talking about relationships, what were looking for, what we think is the best way to handle them etc… That's when Erin really reminded me that I'm only 20 years old; I'm supposed to be having fun right now. For years I've dreaded dating and due to the strain and dedication having a "serious" relationship comes with. I know I'm not very good at those things right now and I've been afraid I would let whoever I dated down. In my heart I've been searching for companionship but too afraid to find it in the event that I would not cherish it. I thank you Erin, because sometimes I forget about just having fun. My mind because of the last few years runs at higher speeds than normal and I've had a bad habit of thinking ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships. I need to relax and just have fun, because honestly it's been too long since I've had a good dose of it. I'm going to let my heart lead the way from now on. I'm done worrying about the future; let me find genuine love in my everyday life. I feel the best relationships are also amazing friendships and I can't be afraid to fall into them.

POST 4: What I Want

Often it's looked down upon when people think of their wants and want nothing more in life than to obtain them. It's an age old story of not being happy with what you have, striving to have everything, and losing everything after not appreciating it. I can honestly say I find comfort and appreciate the life I have been given. Though some of the events that I've been through that have occurred are not ideal by any means, I accept them as my life and realize I will always be a changed person as a result. Now that I've said that I must confess I do have an ideal life for the future in my head. And while the details don't exactly matter I pray I might one day be blessed with any part of this life.

The first and most important thing I want to do is obey. I do believe there is a God, and that he can make all things good. Without God I would not feel, speak, cry, laugh, think, or even exist. It is to God I owe all things in live and because of my understanding of his kindness and my respect for him I wish to follow him in faith until my last days.

The second thing I want in life is love. I hope to one day to find a girl who will see me in my entirety and accepts me for who I am. I hope to find someone who I can bring more joy and happiness into their world then they ever knew possible and who would try to do the same for me. I want to make a promise to the world and God himself that I can love someone for the entirety of my life.

The third and final thing I want in life is to leave the world a better place than when I entered it. I hope to spread the wisdom and love that I learn over my lifetime to the people around me so that their lives can grow as mine will grow and that they may grow stronger in life and love far beyond me.

POST 3: Meaning Today

I often find myself feeling unfulfilled, striving to fill some place that I'm not quite sure what goes their. I remember feeling whole once, though I don't remember at what point I stopped feeling that way. Now days I find myself searching for meaning. The reason I do things, whether in kindness or selfishness, to better life or detract from it. I may have become so paranoid I doubt I could intentionally do anything selfish or negative. That's a little something I do pride myself on a bit, but by no means does that mean I've found my meaning. No, I reckon something like the meaning of your life can only be accessed after it's already taken place.

BLURB

Just a random thought… I found out that you can post directly from Word into your blog! For those of you who are looking to start a blog this makes life SOO much easier. Message me if you need details on how to do it!

POST 2: Life is full of adventure!

It's time someone admitted it. Life is a perilous and thrilling journey filled with friendship, beautiful scenery, trying times, crazy ex-girlfriends, and a deeper meaning than we ever know until that part of our life has passed us. Yes life has its ups and downs but what really matters is what we take out of them. I think the classic novel Peter Pan had it right, never growing up. I'm not talking about age wise that would just be silly. Instead I'm talking about making sure our hearts stay as children's hearts, always open to receive love, and always willing to give it. There is a reason that as we grow older we think about the best times in our childhood. It's because not only was life simpler, it was purer. If you can identify with that I'm saying at all I want you to do me a favor, keep that child alive at all costs. Don't forget to dance to the tune in your head, watch the clouds go by, laugh at the little things, and especially bring others on your adventure.

POST 1: Intimate Ideas (not the dirty kind)

I don't like to whine, in fact I don't whine. I've just been thinking about something lately and it's been bugging me, it feels almost unnatural. I think it's for the best for all of us that I bring it up. Where have the intimate ideas gone? No… not the dirty kind as my title makes pretty clear. I'm talking about the other intimate ideas. You probably don't know what I'm talking about, I'm sorry I'm talking in vague terms again. Let me try to explain.

I don't feel very connected to people anymore. Maybe I'm weird person but I really enjoy with connecting with people. Ever have conversations with someone that when you walk away you feel some part of your soul has grown and you've discovered some part of yourself you didn't know was there before? I miss that. I don't think it's just me though. I watch people around each other, at school, at work, or at the coffee shop so busy with their lives they've forgotten to let people in. I've always been a little shy but even I can recognize a change in our culture these days. I must remind everyone that it's not weak to connect with people, to share ideas and inspire people. I don't know if I'm the best to offer advice but I do know that this world would be a better place if we shared our hearts to each other a bit more.

 
 

I believe the only way to grow as a person is to connect with someone else. Maybe God scattered life's secrets in the hearts of others and the only way to get them is to form a bond of friendship (love) with one another. Just a thought….

INTRO: Hey there, you don't need no despair.

Let me start out by saying hey. This is my second blog I've ever done and I hope to make this one a little more outgoing so putchwa!

Well, this blog is about not despairing (thus the title). I've been through a lot and will probably go through a lot more but I've learned not to despair. I've spent so many days just stressed out to the point of making myself depressed and sick and it's just unnecessary. It doesn't help you or anybody else so if you get the chance in life to enjoy it, please do so.


Oh boy, I can't tell you how hard it is for me to write!! Not because I don't have much to say, rather the opposite. I have so many ideas going through my head that it's very difficult to choose which ones to put them into words. But as I've promised myself (as if I were writing a book) the title is my subject. And this is the end of my intro so see you on the next post!